Thursday, October 28, 2010

    I’ve been married for twenty two years. Soon, I will no longer be married. I’m looking forward to that. I found when Bill moved out that I didn’t miss him at all. I felt like myself for the first time in years. I had no one’s moods to worry about, no one to wonder what they would think of how I was doing something. Don’t think I was some mousey little person who let my husband walk all over me while I believed half the things he said to me. Mostly I learned to ignore him. It just got tiresome listening to him get worked up and go on and on about everything I’d done wrong. Wrong, according to him. And sometimes he was just a bit scary.

     Looking back, and I mean really looking back and being honest with myself, my marriage started going wrong almost from the beginning. We seldom had a fight in the true sense of the word because I wouldn’t fight. I wasn’t raised that way. Besides it didn’t take long to learn that it was futile. He had an answer for everything and could twist my words until they almost made sense but they weren’t what I’d said or meant.

     Before you think I lived through twenty two years of misery let me say that there were good stretches and so-so periods. But what was always in the back of my mind was the truth that there would come another rant. They seemed to come out of the blue at first but I found that over the years I could predict when they were getting close but still was quite often surprised when it happened.

     After Bill moved out of town a few months ago I looked up at work one day and saw him walking towards our door. I suddenly realized I understood the saying “keep your friends close and your enemies closer.” I finally knew why, when we were still together I always worried about getting home when I knew he was home. If I was around him I could gauge his moods and know what to expect. When I saw him that day at work, I hadn’t seen him in over a month and I had no idea what to expect. But I then realized it didn’t really matter, he no longer was part of my life.

     This is a bit weird to be throwing this out for everyone to read but I’ve thought about it and my blog’s title is Cushing’s Family. So, in the interest of other families going through this here is just a tiny peek into what our life was like for years. Some might be basic personality, some, I’m sure is from Cushing’s. There just came a point that I couldn’t take it anymore.

     More at another time. This is a bit exhausting to write and I still worry that my Cushie friends will be upset with me for breaking things off when Bill was still sick. I know I’ve had a lot of support from them all but I feel guilty. Just not guilty enough to get back together.


Anonymous said...

Well, this cushie friend isn't mad at you! And I just can't imagine anyone being upset at your choice. I'm so glad things are going well for deserve it!

judycolby said...

Thanks, Melly. I suppose I'll feel guilty about this for some time. Probably because I couldn't fix it.

Hi, I'm Rene said...

I can't imagine anyone being mad at you! You are a "fixer" and this was one of those things you just couldn't fix. Time to move past the guilt and be happy!

Gracie said...

Remember, Judy, I told you a while back, God makes provisions for certain circumstances. We all love you, and your safety, and the kids trumps all! Don't beat yourself up, cuz we're not! So glad the family is healing now! In every sense of the word!