Monday, June 20, 2011

I just figured out something about myself.
There's been something going on, actually a pretty minor something, that I wasn't included in. It really hasn't hurt my feelings but I can't help noticing that no one even thought to include me. And it doesn't feel right for me to just jump in. So I ignore it.
I've always known that I can't easily become a part of a group. I have to be there awhile, have a few people draw me in a few times & then I start to feel a little more comfortable. Once I'm really comfortable then things are fine.
Now, I feel safe saying all this because not too many folks read my blog, especially family.
I think when I was growing up I learned to hang back & wait to be included.
I have always said I was the perfect little sister, three older sisters & an older brother. I have one younger brother. In the makeup of the family I seldom take the lead. I might sometimes if it only affects a couple of us. For the most part I let two of my older sisters take that role and I follow along & do what they ask. Sometimes if they don't ask, I do nothing. I imagine it's always been that way. I really don't remember but I had to learn it somewhere.
Two of my older sisters are very close. It seems to me they always have been but I'm not sure. Sometimes what we think we observe and what really is, are two different things. But in my mind they've always been close. I don't remember being included in much that they did. Maybe I did when I was little, I really don't remember. But after a certain age I know I seldom asked because if you had to ask to be included it didn't mean as much as if you were asked.
I think I still feel that way. They turn to each other first with good or bad news or a problem they need to talk out. I don't recall them ever asking my advice unless it had to do with photography. In the course of a conversation they may ask me something but to specifically seek my advice, I don't think that's ever happened. If it was to happen at this point in our lives I'm not sure what I would think.
I'm very different from my sisters. They're very confident women. I'm only confident in a few areas, the rest I'm just wingin' it. They both ran with the popular crowd in high school. I had just a few friends and was pretty much ignored by everyone else. When I first started working in the same town as both of them, I never told anyone I was their sister. I didn't want to embarrass them.
I've never really thought too much about this until now. It's just the way things are. But I've never much liked my one high school teacher who upon learning I was their sister actually said "You're their sister?" Um, thanks, Mr. Harwerth, rub it in. I know - they're cute, I'm not, they're popular, I'm not, I don't need your input.
I must add, I get along very well with all my siblings. The way we pair up doesn't change love.

1 comment:

MaryO said...

Judy, I understand exactly how you feel.

I'm an only child and I always feel like the outsider, looking in.

Several years ago I wrote a blog post about "being invisible". I hate it! I'll be standing near a group of people and everyone else is invited to go get a sandwich. People discuss stuff like I'm not there.

Anyway, I'm sorry you feel like this, too. You've always seemed so strong, so together.

I hope you can feel more included soon!