Saturday, July 26, 2008

I'm done with papers and really need to go back to sleep or I'll never stay awake to drive to Hoxie. I'm going over to pick Jess up. I'll probably get there in time to watch part of the 4-H auction. Then we'll eat with Dad and whoever else happens to be in town.
I stayed up way too late last night talking in the chat room. I seldom do that. It was fun and it helped cheer me up. I think I've been in mourning for our family, wondering if we will ever get back to "normal". I know it will never go back to the way it was - there is no going back. Before Cushing's reared it's ugly head Justin still lived here. Both kids were good students and seemed reasonably happy. Justin will probably never live with us again, I miss that as I feel like he got sick about the time I was starting to get to know him. We're on new footing now. Bill now works nights which changes the whole makeup of our days. With what I know now, I'm sure he lost his job in trucking because of Cushing's (or whatever he will be diagnosed with). But if he was in trucking at the moment he would never pass his physical.
I spent alot of time downloading music last night. Alot of oldies and some newer stuff. I find myself attracted to music that was popular about the time Justin was really getting sick. I wonder sometimes what my compulsion is to relive the really bad times. Maybe as a guage? I know I sometimes go back and read some of the first topics I started on the boards and it always makes me cry. I seem to have a need to never forget this whole experience - like I could!
Lately I read the boards but can think of very little to say. For some reason I feel very isolated, even there. It's noone's doing, I just feel that way. Maybe I just want to make myself miserable, maybe I need some good anti depressants, again. Maybe I just want to remember it to know that we have survived. I don't know if we are stronger for it, but we have survived - so far.


Robin said...

Hey lady....survival is what it's all about. I think we sometimes forget the caregivers in this disease because we are so wrapped up in the disease itself on our selves. I want you to know I care and I came "hunting" you! I've missed you tremendously.


judycolby said...

Thanks, I miss everyone also, but haven't really figured how to make myself jump in again, it seems so exhausting some days. Some days I can barely keep track of our family's health, other days it's easier to think of other's problems. I care about these folks but sometimes it's easier to get involved in health problems I don't have to live with.LOL